Cap’n Kerkrunnel weighed beets to the gunnel
And set sail for the promise of riches.
T’was rumoured that gluts of pears and shallots
Would put beets in demand s’well as peaches.
Seems the experts advised stocking the latter unwise
As being oft prey to bruises and rot.
Beets, they decreed, of those afflictions are freed.
Buy them up, that’s our tip and it’s hot.
Cap’n Kerkrunnel thought this’ll be fun I’ll
be travelling while raking in profits.
The advice was dead sound, t’was with Google he’d found
A page full of promos and hits.
The site was legit, called « Get Rich Quick, No Shit »
And blared out all the info in caps.
Not listed by Bloomberg, but that’d be absurd
The best secrets are kept under wraps.
Cap’n Kerkrunnel flogged his beets by the bundle
But strangely the market was weak.
In the ports where he docked, from Saint Kits to Bangkok
He found prospects increasingly bleak.
What the hell has gone wrong, I’ve got beets on the pong
And the market has dropped through the floor.
Selling beets by the ton, was supposed to be fun
Bring me fortune and glory galore.
Cap’n Kerkrunnel sought light through the tunnel
To explain the demand being anemic.
In a marketing blog called « Tomato and Hog »
His quest for a cause found agreement.
On page four in small type, abstracting the hype
Beets were declared to be lame.
The pundits intent : t’was apples they’d meant.
In colour and shape they’re the same.
Cap’n Kerkrunnel trusted experts, says one’ll
come through in the end and be right.
The author went on to say the market for prawn
Was currently poised to take flight.
Caution’s advised, there’s a question of size.
The small ones won’t get you the sales.
Best spring for the biggies, they’ll double your guineas.
I’ll eat both my socks if this fails.
Cap’n Kerkrunnel, not being one to trundle
Rushed out to stock up on the goods.
Heeding the wise, he paid attention to size
Though it seemed to cost more than it should.
Throwing caution aside, he got on for the ride
Took his dearly paid stock to the market.
Casting fate to the sky, praying his tactic would fly
And turn all his debt into profit.
Cap’n Kerkrunnel foresaw having trouble
Since sea food was not up his alley.
So he got on the blower and hailed for a knower
A bloke that knew seaweed from algae.
Margins are slim so pray help me Jim
Flog these prawns ‘fore the market goes limp.
You’re an ass, Jim replied, and that can’t be denied
These ain’t prawn on your boat, they’re shrimp.
As everyone knows, except maybe yo’se
Shrimp’s valued a fraction of prawn.
I reckon you’re wrecked, as last time I checked
Best market for shrimp was the lawn.
I’ll cancel my fee and say this for free
Since it’s never too late for a cure.
Best not to hoard, or throw overboard
Rather sell your boat’s load for manure.
Kap’n Kerkrunnel said « Son of a gun » I’ll
be damned if I’m left in the lurch.
Look, my future’s in peril, I’ll pray to the devil
Or maybe Saint Brendan in Church.
As patron of sailors, he’ll answer my prayers
With tips from the insider’s track.
He must have an URL, on the wide web of world
I’ll Google him now on my Mac.
Kap’n Kerkrunnel thought it best to check double
To avoid once again a disaster.
The link that he found looked to be sound
But was this Brendan the one he was after.
Didn’t look like a saint, but then the photo was faint
And the page had good ratings and likes.
To settle his qualms, he weighed pros against cons
‘Fore deciding he’d seek his advice.
Brendan’s no fraud, I’ll write on his blog,
Say I’m needing a guide and a tutor.
An ace en affaire, now a bull then a bear
An expert, a saint (with computer).
Kap’n Kerkrunnel was left brooding his puzzle
And waiting for news from saint B.
When finally apprised of what Brendan advised
He judged none be so saintly as he.
Brendan’s proposal, with the captain’s disposal
Was a radical change in direction.
Sell your bateau, you’re a natural pro
You’ve a track record close to perfection.
Kap’n Kerkrunnel thought this less of a struggle
Than plying 7 seas on a barge.
A domain name as home, with the webworld to roam
Trading bits with his followers at large.
Kerkrunnel found fame, in the consultancy game
Offering tips to the risk taking crowd.
The captain expounding his exploits as founding
The expertise with which he’s endowed.